The Inner Arsehole

May 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

Over the past few months I’ve been working hard to become a better person. It’s a generic, sweeping, anonymous statement that lacks any conviction, goal or strategy, but nevertheless it’s what I’ve been doing with all of those drawbacks in mind.

One thing I’ve been considering a lot lately is my tendency to be an arsehole. It doesn’t come up a lot, but when that sensation arises, when my inner arsehole takes over, it’s a nasty thing to witness. It’s like oil rising to the surface of a turbulent river, greasy and disgusting on the surface, with the pure stuff below getting smothered and churned to pieces.

Everything has its place though, and my inner arsehole is a wonderful measure against my indefinable progress toward bettering myself. Yesterday I ended up having an argument with my girlfriend’s sister who lives with us (in the same community, not house), and I didn’t treat her very well at all. But later on, I thought about how that situation would have played out a year ago.

Back then, I would have been an arsehole and not really thought much about it, other than how hopeless she was and how righteous I was. A little further along and I would have been an arsehole, but felt bad about it later. I would have had an indescribable clot of discomfort in my stomach with a root I couldn’t put my finger on. Further again and I would have been an arsehole and minutes later regretted it, looking back knowing how I could have behaved better.

Yesterday, I knew I was being an arsehole as I was being the arsehole. With a little more self control, enlightment, sleep or whatever the secret ingredient is, I could have stopped my inner arsehole in its tracks and instantly worked on dealing with the situation in a way that would have shown both of us a great deal more respect.

I’d like to think that the next step on the path to being a better man is to be able to make that instantaneous change, and eventually to evict the inner arsehole once and for all. I figure that at the end of the day, this little body just ain’t big enough for the two of us.

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